Homecoming Scotland
THE MUTILATORS
Yes, that’s right, the year is 2024, and in bizarre union with the satanic forces of the Lord Asmoedeus, the buffet frequenting mincers who populate The Scottish Government and Event Scotland have justified their salaries for another term by dreaming up the event that is to be known as The Homecoming, to be spliced with The Gathering, the Open Championship and several loads of Robert Burns related shite, such as World Burns Night, Burnsfest, Yea 12ers, which is a 12 Hour Burns Concert, The Paths of Robert Burns, Burns Alight, Tommy Burns Night, Burns Aw Right!, The Burns Ceilidh Night, Burns Night Night, Burns Illuminated, Mr Burns from The Simpsons and the Burns Unit of Glasgow Royal Infirmary, with the Great Edinburgh Drambuie and Burns Night Burns Celebration Festival.
The braw selection of events includes pork handling by Burns imitators, the Classic Malts Cruise in which pissant yacht owners assuage the Clyde; the International Genealogy Festival, which hopes to demonstrate that John Knox is related to Burns; Runrig on Mountain Bikes; Kirkintillochfest; Porridge Swimming, and Sean Connery’s Wig.
CLICHES
Every cliché going has been employed by Event Scotland in the laziest celebrations that have ever been organised between these shores. And delegates from local quangos, as well as visiting dignitaries from quangos in other areas will be treated to banquet style hospitality and on the Homecoming menu will be:
- Cock-a-leekie nuggets
- Hags, Napes and Tattoos
- Smacky Dumpling
- Flaked Oot Chiel
- Clummy Punts
- Swutten Ba’s
- Tipsy Laird
- Plastered Cheeseboard with Bangkoks
SPIRIT OF BRIGADOON
National whisky month is to be declared as MAY this year, meaning that higher than normal death from alcohol related illness can be expected. We’ll be serving up Scottish Tapas, before embarking on a sensuous journey to the bottom of some bottles. We’ll see you at some of our major events, including: The Borders Festival of the Horse, The City of Aberdeen Cow And Golf Tournament, the Bridge of Allan Classic Journalism Cruise, the month long Festival of I Kent his Faither, Pictures of Eddie Reader, The Kelman Homecoming and National Whisky Week, Rankin up the Castle, Whisky Live!, Whisky in a Cup, the Scottish Whishky BUPA Whishky Downing Competition, and the Fuckers Ball. So be a part of history, by celebrating the best of Scotland, which if you need reminding is Whisky, Pipes, Robert Burns, “reiving”, and getting the Scotland on Sunday for the property, ken. Cheer on the events organisers battling to be the most ridiculous pillocks in the land, as they show their tenacity in turning up ill. Toss your heads back laughing at Scotland.
HOMECOMING
Set in an all male household in North London, The Homecoming explores the reaction of the family to the arrival home of the eldest son and his wife - all of which is to be combined with whisky and haggis for those that can thole it. Snazzy journolier Franklin Marsh had this to say: “It’s shocking what they did to Harold Pinter. All he wanted was for the Israelis to get out of Palestine. Now they’ve turned his best play into an excuse for Sean Connery to mispronounce the word haggis. When I was growing up in the Scottish Borders, we had a tea towel that boasted of great Scottish inventions. It was headed "Wha's Like Us? Damn Few And They're A' Deid. I wish I was too."
BURNETT
I probably have irreconcilable differences with Event Scotland on some points but I think I also have a habit of expressing myself poorly. So here is an attempt to make things crystal clear. Firstly, "mutilate" is derived from a Latin root meaning "to cut off", so I stand by this word. You MUTILATE culture. Secondly, I believe human beings are born potentially open to all cultures and not just yours. Human beings are the vehicles for cultures and religions, the medium in which cultures and religions perpetuate themselves. I hope you know thsi and that ultimately, because of it, you’re footnotes.
